A Collection of Questions, Nonsense, and Fun
by Electric Splatter
Summary: A collection of oneshots that are slightly cracktastical. They include questions about the Naruto world, things I've noticed or that disturb me, and some pure just for kicks comedy. Enjoy, my fellow Narutoites!
1. The Team Rule

**AN: **Guess what? I don't own Naruto! I wonder if you guessed right.

So, why am I writing a collection of humor/parody oneshots? I've never done anything like that before. Because lately I've been really stressed out about school and about life, and I just feel like it. It's fun. And it's funny for me and I want to. So I'm going to.

What will the topic of these oneshots be? Whatever pops into my little head! Sometimes it's questions I have, things I've noticed, things that bother me, or things I just felt like writing about. You want to give me a suggestion? Have at it; I'll consider it.

There's going to be a whole conglomeration of characters, but I tagged Naruto and Temari because they'll probably pop up the most: Naruto because he's the main character and kind of essential, and Temari because she's super-duper.

THE TEAM RULE

Starring: Shikamaru Nara, Temari, Kiba Inuzuka, and Hinata Hyūga

Setting: Konohagakure

Plot: Shikamaru and Temari have a heated discussion about the Team Rule.

Enjoy.

* * *

Shikamaru scanned the streets around him lazily. He was supposed to be escorting Temari around the village but currently could not locate the escortee. This was unusual because usually he was the one who would avoid her, but it seemed this time the hider had become the hidee. The irony was not lost on him.

As he ambled along he realized he had stumbled upon the restaurant district of Konoha. This was rather troublesome because this caused him to notice he was actually quite hungry. He knew that if he didn't locate Temari he wouldn't be able to eat though. The tyrant of a woman always coerced him into eating lunch and paying for the meal. Not that he would ever complain: he preferred her when she was fed. She was a lot less sassy on a full stomach.

So despite his unhappy stomach, he continued on. He would do his duty and find the woman he was responsible for. Being a ninja was tough.

Shikamaru then noticed something peculiar inside one of the restaurants. One of the plants had two puffy blonde leafs. In all of his experience, he had never come across a blonde plant.

Wait, he knew those blonde leafs. Oh shit, his partner had gone crazy and was now hiding in plants. Life was definitely out to get him.

He approached the plant slowly and found Temari in a crouch behind the plants watching something intently. She was too engrossed in her strange behaviors to notice him though.

"What are you doing in a plant?" asked Shikamaru startling her as she finally noticed his presence.

"Be quiet!" hissed Temari dragging him down next to her. "You're going to get us caught!"

"Caught by who?" questioned Shikamaru scanning the restaurant.

"Lower your voice, Nara!" whisper yelled Temari. "By Kiba and Hinata, obviously."

"…You're hiding in a plant, to spy on Kiba and Hinata?"

"Yes," answered Temari as though the question was ridiculous. She rolled her eyes for emphasis.

"Well would you mind explaining why to me?" asked Shikamaru turning to look at said couple and trying to figure out what was so interesting about them.

"I think they're on a date," responded Temari bringing out a pair of binoculars to get a better look.

"That's…that's insane. What in the world gave you that idea?"

"The team rule," said Temari simply.

"The what?" he asked looking at her in confusion.

"The team rule," repeated Temari exasperatedly. "When two shinobi on the same team of opposite genders spend a lot of time together while not on missions, then they are obviously in a romantic relationship."

"Where the hell did come up with that? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," declared Shikamaru.

"It is _not _stupid! I'm not even the one who came up with it. And it's been proven over and over again," retorted Temari indignantly.

"I highly doubt that. What proof could you possibly have?"

"Name any team you can think of and I can prove it to you!" challenged Temari.

"That isn't going to prove anything," said Shikamaru.

"Oh yeah? I bet you can't think of a single team it won't work for!"

"Fine, I'll play your little game. Team Seven."

"Sakura and Naruto," answered Temari easily.

"They're not together."

"Yes, but they will be. They follow the team rule perfectly. Next team," demanded Temari.

"Ugh, woman. Gai's team."

"That's even better because Tenten could end up with either Neji or Lee. It works for both!" exclaimed Temari.

"Tenten doesn't get any say in this? What if she doesn't want to end up with someone from her team?" questioned Shikamaru.

"Not an option," replied Temari. "Next."

"I'm guessing you're going to say the couple from Team Eight is Kiba and Hinata?"

"Duh."

"Why not Shino?" asked Shikamaru.

"Well, he's a little creepy. Bugs aren't my bailiwick. Anyway, Kiba goes out of his way to talk about protecting Hinata so it's set," explained Temari.

"Your reasons don't even make sense," complained Shikamaru.

"You're just upset because you can't beat me," said Temari with a smirk.

Shikamaru narrowed his eyes at her. He might be lazy. He might like to slack off. He might still be really hungry. But he was not going to lose to Temari if it was the last thing he did.

"The Sannin."

"Tsunade and Jiraiya."

"But they aren't together!" said Shikamaru obviously becoming agitated.

"Nobody in this whole universe is together, Crybaby," pointed out Temari. "The one confirmed couple lost one of it's member soon after. People are paranoid. It's the fact that they're going to be together."

"Whatever. Kakashi's team."

"Obito liked Rin, Rin liked Kakashi. Due to death no one ended up together."

"How do you even know that?" demanded Shikamaru.

"I have my sources," she replied evasively, eyes darting to the side mysteriously.

"Konohamaru's team."

"The squirt and Moegi obviously have it bad for each other."

"My team."

"Ino and Chouji."

"You have got to be kidding me. How did you come to that conclusion?" asked Shikamaru.

"Simple, after Ino gets over her shallowness she will realize that Chouji is a sweetheart and the man for her. Besides you weren't available."

"I'm not available?" Shikamaru asked giving her a weird look.

"Nope, you're taken. Don't try and fight it. Next."

Shikamaru debated pushing her on the subject, but deiced to store it in his brain for later. He had an argument to win. Distractions would not help him.

"The Akatsuki."

"Pain and Konan."

"Team Hebi."

"Suigetsu and Karin."

"They hate each other!"

"There's a fine line between hate and unresolved sexual tension."

"The Sound Five."

"Tayuya and Kidomaru."

"You didn't even meet Kidomaru! You were there for about two minutes and then killed Tayuya!" complained Shikamaru.

"I was there long enough to see she had it bad for the spider guy."

"Has anyone ever told you you're mentally unstable?"

"Yes, but I've found that's rather common in our profession, also in my family. Next."

"How did you even hear about this rule?" asked Shikamaru.

"That isn't important," answered Temari shortly.

"I'm curious," insisted Shikamaru.

"Curiosity killed the Nara."

"Stop avoiding the question, woman."

"I don't know who made it up. Probably some hardcore shipper. Or Ino. Now stop trying to distract me and give me another team," answered Temari in a sassy tone.

Shikamaru racked his brains, but any team he thought of had people she would just twist into being in love. There was just no beating the damn team rule. He even did his little hand circle that never failed him. He just had to think of one team! Just one!

Temari watched him with a growing smirk. She knew she was beating him. Damn, she always found the perfect way to get under his skin.

"Give up?" asked Temari delightedly.

"Yes, I give up. Even if I thought of the least romantic people in the world you'd find a way to pair them up," he replied with a sigh.

"Nobody likes a sore loser Nara!" answered Temari glowing in her victory.

All of a sudden, Shikamaru noticed they weren't alone anymore. Two figures stood above them.

"So…what the hell are you two doing hiding behind a plant?" asked Kiba in confusion.

"K-kiba, don't be rude. It isn't any of o-our business why they're in the pl-plant," said Hinata nervously.

"Oh, we were just checking out what kind of plant it was!" lied Temari easily. "I like plants."

"I'm pretty sure you've been in there for over ten minutes," replied Kiba obviously not buying it.

"I like to be thorough," answered Temari standing up and dusting herself off. "Now if you'll excuse us, me and Nara are going to get lunch."

The group exchanged goodbyes. Kiba was still looking at them like they weren't quite sane as the parted. Shikamaru couldn't really blame him though. It did look strange to spend over ten minutes hiding in a plant. Stuff like this always seemed to happen to him, especially with Temari.

Then again they were finally going to get food, so maybe the day was improving. He walked alongside the not-so-sane Suna woman slightly more cheerful than before. It would be easier to be happy if she would stop gloating though.

Temari skipped next to him, whistling to Promises (Skrillex and Nero Remix) merrily. She really wanted to rub it in that he'd lost. Damn woman.

Shikamaru was not usually the type to brood, he left that to the pros like Neji and Sauske, but this was a serious damper to his genius reputation. His brain should have been able to come up with at least one team to defeat this so called "Team Rule".

If only it hadn't been Temari who he lost in a battle of wits. She was the type to never let him live stuff down. She still called him Crybaby even though it was years ago. Damn Suna and their weird unemotional people.

Shikamaru stopped walking instantly as a grin slowly spread over his face. Temari noticed and looked back at him with a mixture of confusion and annoyance.

"What's the holdup?" she asked impatiently.

"You still believe the team rule works for all teams with members of the opposite gender who spend time together out of missions?" asked Shikamaru slowly.

"Yes," answered Temari just as slowly, mocking him.

He just smirked at her for a minute, savoring the moment.

"Well, what about your team?"

"….You're sick, Shikamaru."

* * *

**AN: **Oh, the ending makes me chuckle! Hell, the whole thing makes me chuckle.

What brought on this oneshot? Well, personally I'm sick and tired of people's reasons for a certain couple belonging together because they're on the same team. And that's their only reason. I mean really, is that the only thing you base a relationship on?! It really gets my goat.

I'm not saying I don't like couples that are on the same team, that's just not why I like them. Most of the couples I do like happen to be on the same team. But I must be one of those insane people who think I need more reasons than "They're on the same team so it's just ermagerd cute and sparkles and rainbows! ."

I tried to tame down the ShikaTema shipper within me, but it still came out partially. Choose to interpret what you like, I don't mind.

Until next time Narutoites! Extreme brownie points to whoever knows what bailiwick means.

Oh, and if you want to drop me a review, that'd be cool. I dig them.


	2. Unrealistic Dreams

**AN: **Hello again Narutoites! Before I begin I would just like to announce that v-feather and WeRMental are the owners of extreme brownie points! Their greatness shall be acknowledged. Also, I still don't own Naruto in case you were wondering. I thought you were.

UNREALISTIC DREAMS

Starring: Naruto Uzumaki, Temari, and Shikamaru Nara

Setting: Konohagakure

Plot: Naruto and Temari discuss their dreams for the future

Enjoy.

* * *

It was a beautiful day in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and the surroundings were all green and lush. Temari didn't think she could hate it more.

Seriously, where were the sandstorms? Where was the unbearable heat? She hadn't seen a poisonous scorpion in ages. It was like they were trying to torture her.

Places like this shouldn't exist. It was just plain creepy.

In addition to her misery her oaf of an escort had ditched her. He had an "unavoidable mission". Unavoidable mission her ass. There were plenty of other tactical geniuses that could have taken the job.

It was seriously screwing up her routine. Like around now she would usually be politely implying with threats that he she buy her lunch. Now she was here walking around the stupid, cheerful, deadly reptile free village alone. She sighed at her misfortune.

Suddenly she was knocked off her feet and a huge weight landed on her. Something big and orange was blocking her view. Ugh, not again.

"Naruto, if you don't get off me this second I will happily send you halfway to Suna with a blast from my fan," threatened Temari angrily.

"Somebody's grouchy today. Who peed in your cheerios?" asked Naruto getting off of her and holding out a hand to help her up.

"You'd be grouchy too if some idiot ran you over in the middle of the street," snapped Temari taking his hand and pulling herself up.

"Oh yeah, sorry about that," replied Naruto rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

"That's the third time in two weeks. Maybe you should watch where you're going," said Temari putting her hands on her hips in annoyance.

"It won't happen again! That's a promise!" declared Naruto with his nice guy pose.

"It better not," muttered Temari as she turned to walk away. "Or somebody really will have pee in their cheerios."

"Hey, let me make it up to you. It's lunchtime. Have you eaten yet?" asked Naruto jumping in front of her and blocking her way.

"No, I haven't," admitted Temari.

"Well then let's go the greatest restaurant on earth, my treat!" exclaimed Naruto grabbing her hand and dragging her along. "No wonder you're so crabby! Shikamaru told me you act like a diva when you're hungry!"

"Oh he did, did he?" asked Temari her eyes blazing with rage. She'd show him how much of a diva she could be the next time she saw him.

"Nothing a little Ichiraku ramen can't fix though," continued Naruto not noticing the killer intent coming from his companion.

The ramen stand came into view and Naruto picked up the pace bringing her along with him. She figured it was just easier to go along with what the brat wanted. Plus, she wasn't one to pass up free lunch.

"Hey, old man! Two large bowls of miso pork ramen for me and Gaara's sister!" called out Naruto as the entered the stand.

"It's Temari. Tem-ar-ee!" said Temari slowly.

"I know that Temruni!" replied Naruto taking a seat and patting the one next to him.

Temari just slapped her forehead and took the seat next to him. And she thought Kankurō was stupid.

"Naruto, who's you pretty little friend here?" asked the shop owner as he placed their ramen (which she thought had been prepared alarmingly fast) in front of them.

"She's from Sunagakure. She's the Kazekage's sister and walks around a lot with Shikamaru. I'm, uh, not really sure what else she does," answered Naruto scratching his head in confusion.

"You idiot, I'm the ambassador between our villages. I help out with the chūnin exams," explained Temari while grabbing her chopsticks. For a dinky ramen joint, this stuff didn't look half bad.

"Well, it's nice to meet you Miss Ambassador," replied the shop owner kindly.

"Please, Temari is fine," she answered.

"Another bowl, please!" asked Naruto slamming his empty one on the table. Temari looked from his to hers in shock. She had taken about three bites of hers and his was completely gone. Did the kid have a hollow leg?

"Temari," started Naruto. "I haven't really gotten to talk to you a whole lot before. It's nice that we could get lunch together."

"Yes, it is nice," replied Temari with a smile. She didn't know what was more surprising, that he was being serious or he'd gotten her name right.

"I like to get to know all my comrades. So tell me about yourself. What do you like? Dislike? What our your hobbies and dreams?"

She just looked at him blankly for a couple seconds. She hadn't been expecting an interrogation.

"Here, I'll narrow it down. What's your dream, your purpose in life?" asked Naruto earnestly.

She continued to stare at him. Did he think that was the kind of question you could just casually ask?

"My dream is to be Hokage! I want to whole village to respect and acknowledge me. That way I can protect everybody who's important to me too," said Naruto looking off in the distance with emotion.

Temari had heard that before and smiled. It was eerie how similar this kid and Gaara were. She couldn't help but like the dweeb.

"My other dream is to bring Sasuke back to the village!" continued Naruto excitedly.

"Wait, how do you plan to do that?" asked Temari in confusion.

"Well I'm going to track him down and bring him home," answered Naruto happily.

"What if he doesn't want to come back?"

"Then I'll force him to come back!" declared Naruto in determination.

"Yes, but even if you can then what?" questioned Temari.

"What do you mean?" asked Naruto not comprehending what she was saying.

"If you bring him back by force what are you going to do? He'll just leave again, won't he?"

"If I bring Sasuke back I'll make sure he won't leave again," answered Naruto stubbornly.

"It just seems kind of unrealistic. How are you going to keep him from leaving? And won't he be miserable? And I heard a rumor he wants to destroy Konoha."

"I'm bringing Sasuke back," repeated Naruto. "That's all there is to it."

Temari decided to drop it. He obviously wasn't listening to her. She wasn't going to waste her time.

"So, what about you? What's your dream?" asked Naruto enthusiastically.

"My dream is to become the strongest kunoichi in Sunagakure," answered Temari simply with a smirk.

Naruto just looked at her blankly without responding.

"Isn't that kind of unrealistic?" asked Naruto finally giving her a disapproving look.

"What do you mean it's unrealistic?" demanded Temari with a glare.

"I'm just saying your dream doesn't make a lot of sense. How are you supposed to know when you're the strongest kunoichi? It's not like you can go around and fight every single kunoichi in your village. And even if you could it's not like you'd know for sure because you couldn't fight to the death. You're striving for something that you'll never know if you can reach. Plus isn't it a little sexist? You're limiting yourself by only wanting to be stronger than girl ninjas. No offense, but your dream kind of sucks."

Temari just stared at him with her mouth hanging open. This kid, the one who was convinced he could bring a traitor back and it would all work out easily, was calling _her _dream unrealistic? She couldn't even begin to argue back she was so bamboozled.

"Well, it was nice having lunch with you," said Naruto as he slapped the money for the meal on the table. "Good luck finding a better dream!"

Temari sat there and watched him walk away in a daze. She mumbled thanks to the shop owner and exited the stand. She wandered down the street with her head down. Her life had never seemed so pitiful.

"Temari, is something wrong?" asked someone in front of her.

She looked up to find Shikamaru looking at her strangely.

"Naruto called my dream unrealistic," answered Temari dejectedly.

"Are you going to be alright?" asked Shikamaru in concern. "Do I need to get you anything?"

"No, I'll be fine," replied Temari with a sigh. "I'm still in the shock phase. It'll be worse once it sinks in."

"I can't even imagine what you're going through. It must be very hard," said Shikamaru sympathetically.

"It isn't going to be easy. But I'm tough; I'll get through this. What are you doing here though? I thought you had some important mission?" asked Temari.

"I was taken off the assignment. I was stung by this weird poisonous scorpion this morning and had to go to the hospital for treatment," explained Shikamaru showing her his bandaged left arm.

"YOU FOUND A POISONOUS SCORPION? WHERE?" demanded Temari looking at him like he'd just told her he'd found the fountain of youth and a lifetime supply of fan polish.

"Um, by the main gate," answered Shikamaru nervously.

"You will take me there! You will take me there now!" exclaimed Temari.

"Okay," replied Shikamaru slowly as he started to lead the way.

He brought her to the place where the creature had attacked him and she looked like she was about to burst from joy. She quickly surveyed the area and found a habitat of the deadly scorpions. She could cry she was so happy.

Shikamaru just looked on in confusion. Women, he would never understand them.

Temari just picked up the nearest scorpion and placed it on her shoulder. Maybe this place wasn't so bad after all.

The next day she sought out Naruto and told him her new dream was to spread scorpions throughout the five great nations. He told her it was a great dream.

* * *

**AN: **This is one is a bit more cracktastical than the first. Basically it just comes from me wondering how the heck did Naruto think his plan to bring Sasuke back would even work. And this oneshot was born.

Until next time Narutoites. Review if you please.


	3. Popularity

**AN: **I, I don't, I don't own, I don't own Naruto. Thanks to the kids who review, favorite, and take the time to read these suckers. Hearts and rainbows to you people.

Hello Narutoites. Hope you're having a lovely October.

POPULARITY

Starring: Temari, Naruto, and…a lot of other people

Setting: Konohagakure, Third Training Ground

Plot: Naruto reveals the gangs' statuses of popularity while Temari just wants them to all get lost.

Enjoy.

* * *

Temari glared at the three wooden posts in front of her. She had some free time and was using one of Konoha's training grounds. She had been practicing her jutsu on the wooden posts for about half an hour now. But for some reason, they refused to budge no matter what she did. She had used her most powerful wind techniques and nothing. The stupid sticks didn't even look damaged.

Temari knew that she was a fairly patient person, being an ambassador had taught her how to deal with idiots. But this was different. She, Temari, jōnin of Sunagakure, sister of the current Kazekage and daughter of the former, was not going to be defeated by some damn chunks of wood!

It was like they had some nostalgic backstory to them that made them invincible.

Just as she drew back her fan to unleash her wrath at her three new nemeses she heard her name being called out. She let out a frustrated sigh and turned to see who had the guts to interrupt her when she was obviously very busy.

It was Naruto, which didn't really surprise her. The idiot had a tendency to bother her when she was in the village. What did surprise her was the large group of people accompanying him. She hadn't even seen some of them before. Who the hell were these people and what did they want?

"Temari! I've been looking all over for you!" exclaimed Naruto as he jogged up to her with his ever-present good attitude and smile. His entourage followed closely behind him.

Ugh, why couldn't they just leave her alone so she could defeat the wooden posts? She didn't have time for useless mumbo-jumbo.

Temari knew that Naruto wouldn't leave until he got what he wanted though so she focused her attention on him. The sooner they talked, the sooner he left, and the sooner she could finish her business.

"What do you need, Naruto?" asked Temari with a frown.

"I just wanted to congratulate you on how well you did in the popularity poll!" replied Naruto. "Did you know that you're the third most popular girl? And you're ranked eighteenth overall! You're the most popular girl without a last name too! That's crazy seeing as you're from a different village and get less screen time than almost everybody! Except maybe Tenten, she spends a lot of the time on the sidelines and lacks a last name as well. Isn't that exciting?"

"What do you mean I don't have a last name?" demanded Temari. "I have a last name! It's-"

"Of course Gaara is the most popular character without a last name," interrupted Naruto, not noticing the icy look he was receiving from her. "Gaara has always been a popular character though. Even back when he was axe crazy and tried to kill all of us!"

"I resent that," stated Gaara with his usual emotionless look of disapproval.

"Gaara has a last name too! Our last name is-" started Temari before she was interrupted again.

"No offense Gaara, we all know you're as mean as a teddy bear now. Anyway the best part of the news is that Sasuke is ranked second!" yelled Naruto excitedly.

"How is that the best news? Second place is very high," said Sasuke with a frown.

"Shouldn't we be concerned that a mass murderer is here?" questioned Temari giving Sasuke a suspicious look.

"It's the best news because I'm ranked first! So suck on that Sasuke!" shouted Naruto, sticking his tongue out at his rival.

"Hn," scoffed Sasuke and looked away like he couldn't care less.

"Am I the only one who's even curious as to what the hell he's doing here?" asked Temari while throwing her arms in the air in exasperation.

"I even beat Kakashi! The student has become the master now, eh sensei?" said Naruto elbowing Kakashi with a smirk.

"Sure Naruto," replied Kakashi without looking away from his scandalous novel.

"After Gaara it's Itachi, Deidara, Minato, and Sasori. Deidara and Sasori didn't do too bad for being last nameless as well," continued Naruto with enthusiasm.

"People just appreciate a true artist," said Deidara with a flip of his hair.

"You wouldn't know true art if it kicked you in the ass," snapped Sasori at his partner.

"What the fuck? Now there are Akatsuki in the village too? And for the last time we _have _a last name!" shouted Temari angrily.

"I don't get it, but people seem to really like you two," said Naruto looking at the Akatsuki duo. "You guys, Itachi, and my dad Minato also are doing pretty well for being dead."

"You shouldn't expect anything less of a former Hokage," answered Minato with a smirk.

"Popularity has no meaning to me, in life or in death," stated Itachi coldly.

"Wait, we're dead?" asked Deidara in confusion.

"I don't understand," said Sasori slowly.

"Join the party," grumbled Temari.

"Shikamaru, do you care how you did?" Naruto asked the ponytailed shinobi who was sprawled out on the ground.

"No," answered Shikamaru without opening his eyes.

"Didn't think so. To think a sloth like you got ninth place. Anyway where's Hinata? She was the most popular girl!" said Naruto while searching the group for the Hyūga.

Hinata was currently trying not to pass out now that Naruto was acknowledging her rank. "I-I'm r-right here, N-n-naruto," whispered Hinata quietly.

"Oh well, if anybody finds her tell her she got tenth!" said Naruto giving up. "Hey Sakura, are you mad Hinata's two above you? You're supposed to be the main girl in the series."

"Shut up!" yelled Sakura giving Naruto a hard punch to the shoulder. "I can't help it if people have a thing for the shrinking violet type! And there's nothing wrong with twelfth place!"

"Of course there isn't," said Naruto carefully while rubbing his painful shoulder. "Iruka-sensei! You got eleventh place! How does it feel to still be one of the most popular characters when you basically do nothing in the story anymore?"

"I do stuff," insisted Iruka. "It's just not on screen."

"Can you all go somewhere else to discuss this? I was kind of in the middle of something," complained Temari.

"Sai and Yamato were after Sakura with thirteenth and fourteenth place. Hey it's all of Team Kakashi right in a row!" said Naruto.

"Am I supposed to thank the voters?" asked Sai looking through a book for clues.

"Fourteenth place is fine with me," said Yamato pleasantly.

"I'm part of Team Kakashi too," pointed out Kakashi looking wounded.

"I wish you would all join Team GTFO," muttered Temari darkly.

"Next is Neji! Ladies must really like the stick up the ass type!" Naruto told Neji with a smirk.

"Humph," was all Neji said in response.

"Okay…Anyway Pervy Sage you got sixteenth," announced Naruto.

"I'm not surprised. The ladies can't resist me," declared Jiraiya with two thumbs up.

"Just because you're dead doesn't mean I won't punch you," Tsunade warned her old teammate.

"I'm dead?" responded Jiraiya the smile leaving his face.

"You're all going to be dead soon if you don't leave," threatened Temari under her breath.

"Hidan is after Pervy Sage," said Naruto with a small frown. Hidan kind of gave him the creeps.

"The power of Jashin prevails!" shouted Hidan triumphantly.

"After Temari is Tobi. Seriously why does everyone like the villains?" asked Naruto.

"Tobi isn't a villain. Tobi is a good boy," responded Tobi.

"That's Sasuke, four dead Akatsuki members, and one live one. And nobody cares," said Temari in defeat.

"And rounding out the top twenty is Rock Lee," finished Naruto.

"Oh happy day! My power of youth has not gone unnoticed by the people! I must honor their praise!" yelled Lee happily.

"That's the end. There's more, but nobody really cares past the top twenty," said Naruto with a shrug.

The remaining cast who hadn't been called was not very happy with that. They all started to argue loudly that they did in fact matter.

Kushina Uzumaki was raving about how her son should respect his mother. Kisame, Pain, and Konan were brooding over being the less popular Akatsuki members. Killer B was rapping about how twenty-fifth place was nothing to be ashamed of, he still felt the love. Might Guy was punishing himself over being so far below Kakashi. Kankurō couldn't understand why he was so much less popular than the other Sand Siblings. Kiba, Ino, and Shino were mad that they were part of the main group and lost to dead villains.

"THAT'S IT!" screamed Temari. "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! EVERYBODY GET LOST OR I WILL BLAST YOU ALL THE WAY TO IWAGAKURE!"

Everybody became silent and stared at the fuming kunoichi. Nobody moved or spoke for a long moment.

"Just because you don't have a last name doesn't mean you have to be so cruel, Temari," scolded Naruto seriously before starting to lead to group away.

"I have a last name!" cried Temari in outrage. Nobody noticed though and they all continued on their way.

She slumped to the ground in defeat. She didn't even have to desire to prove her worth against the three wooden villains anymore.

Then Temari felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see Tenten standing in front of her.

"I understand your pain," said Tenten with a sad smile.

* * *

**AN: **This was obviously based on the last Naruto character poll they did. It was in like 2011, but it inspired me to write this. I get a kick out of it. Results were taken from Narutopeida, lovely site. Until next time Narutoites. Smell the roses of life. Send a review my way if you have the finger strength.


	4. Story of a Thousand Ships

**AN: **Hello again! It's nice to see you Narutoites. In the time since I've updated I have not gained the rights to Naruto.

I'd like to dedicate this chapter to The Kazekage of Suna. They're a lovely and supportive pair.

STORY OF A THOUSAND SHIPS

Starring: Jiraiya and…someone else you will shorty meet.

Setting: Konohagakure

Plot: Jiraiya meets someone who asks him for writing advice, but they don't see eye to eye on things.

Enjoy.

* * *

Jiraiya sat on a bench in Konoha with his trusty pen in hand contemplating his newest novel. It was his greatest creation yet, an epic love story like the world had never seen. If he could only get past page ten it was sure to be a bestseller.

He didn't understand why he was having writer's block. He had done tons of research and was fully inspired. The amount of scantily clad women he had seen recently was off the charts.

And yet here he was at his favorite writing bench, staring at nothing but blank pages. The struggle of being an author was highly underrated. It was a problem only a fellow writer could truly comprehend.

He heaved a large sigh and dropped his head into his hands. What he wouldn't give for a busty lady to jump-start his creative juices.

"Master Jiraiya!" called out a voice from nearby.

Now one of his adoring fans was here to bother him for an autograph, no doubt. Being a celebrity had its serious drawbacks.

"What do you want?" he asked bitterly, not lifting his head from its resting place in his hands.

"I wanted some advice, Master Jiraiya! I'm about to write a story and thought I'd ask you for some pointers seeing as you've published so many books," responded the person enthusiastically.

Jiraiya looked up from his sulking position in interest. A fellow writer had come to seek out his great wisdom? This he had to see.

His eyes met a smiling young woman. Her hair was light brown and fell to her shoulders. Her eyes were brown and she was average height and breast size.

In short, she had none of the qualities he looked for as inspiration, but he wouldn't turn aside a fellow writer just because she wasn't much to look at. She had some sort of weird contraption in her arms that she opened up as she joined him on the bench.

"What's that?" questioned Jiraiya as he observed the foreign object.

"It's my laptop, of course!" answered the mystery girl. "It's what I do all my writing on."

"Your lap-what? Who did you say you were again?" asked Jiraiya looking at her strangely.

"My name is Fanfictionita Idiotson," answered the girl proudly.

"Well Ms. Idiotson, what are you writing about?" Jiraiya asked setting down his papers for what was sure to be a stimulating writing discussion.

"I'm writing a romantic fanfiction. It's going to awesome!" exclaimed Fanfictionita.

"A romance story? You've come to the right person," said Jiraiya with confidence.

"It's got all of my favorite couples from Naruto," explained Fanfictionita.

"All of your favorite couples? And who would those be?" asked Jiraiya.

"Well, they're all very original and not written about all the time. There's Naruto and Hinata. And Sasuke and Sakura."

"You said these were original couples that aren't written about often?" asked Jiraiya with sarcasm.

"Yes! Also there's Shikamaru and Ino. Can't forget Neji and Tenten," continued Fanfictionita happily.

"Not the cursed Konoha 8 Pairings," said Jiraiya in distress. "You believe these are original couples?"

"All of them are. Kiba and Temari are also together and-" she started to respond before she was interrupted.

"NO! You can't pair up Temari with Kiba! She's been given the short end of the stick in every other chapter. You can't put her with someone she's never even had a conversation with!" pleaded Jiraiya.

"With all due respect Maser Jiraiya, this is my story and I'm going to do what I want regardless of flames," replied Fanfictionita passionately. "It's not like they're the main couple. There's many more."

"There's even more?" asked Jiraiya in horror.

"There's the relationship between Chōji and Ayame, the great love of Shino and Hana, and the forbidden romance of Lee and Shizune," listed Fanfictionita merrily.

"Just because the kid likes food doesn't mean he has to be with Ayame. Shino and Hana seem like very different people. And Lee and Shizune, are you kidding me?" critiqued Jiraiya rolling his eyes.

"I'm using basic pair the spares knowledge, so it all works out. I haven't even mentioned the tragic struggle of Kakashi and Anko or the dark angst ridden saga of Tsunade and Orochimaru," responded Fanfictionita with enthusiasm.

"Now you've gone too far!" exclaimed Jiraiya at the mention of his two former teammates' "dark angst ridden saga".

"Jiraiya, jealousy isn't a good look on you. I'm sorry, but you and Tsunade just aren't in the cards. I've got more important stories to tell, like Asuma and Kurenai's or Minato and Kushina's."

"At last, some canon! I was beginning to believe you weren't capable of it," snapped Jiraiya peevishly.

"They're really just side couples though. I want to focus on the more important couples like the story of two different people brought together to find love like Jūgo and Karin."

"And what would be your "logic" behind that pairing?" asked Jiraiya putting airquotes on logic.

"They're on the same team!" answered Fanfictionita as if it were a stupid question.

"Damn team rule," muttered Jiraiya.

"They go along well with Suigetsu and Konan too. Because they're all part of the Akatsuki," explained Fanfictionita.

Jiraiya just stared at her emotionlessly. This chick was asking for it.

"I wouldn't forget the other Sand Siblings though. There's Kankurō and Matsuri, which is just spectacular. And one of my favorite favorites Gaara and Shion."

"Wait, you mean Shion from the movie?" questioned Jiraiya slowly.

"Well, they were both very lonely as children so they bond over that," relied Fanfictionita.

"Practically everyone in the series is lonely as a child! You _do not_ under ANY circumstances mix the movie and the real world! It simply is _not _done!" thundered Jiraiya.

"For a fellow writer, you're very close-minded. I expected more of you," sneered Fanfictionita.

"You-you…OVERSHIPPER!" shouted Jiraiya leaping off the bench and pointing an accusatory finger at her.

"Over-what?" asked Fanfictionita in confusion.

"Overshipper!" shouted Jiraiya. "You can't just take the time to write about one couple you like! You have to pair up every single person just to have everyone have a partner! It's sick. Everyone likes some strange pairings, and that's fine. Everyone is entitled to ship whoever they want. That's not what you do. You ship everyone all at once! And not even because you really believe in them! You're just sticking people together at random! And how do you think you're going to write about every single couple realistically and include enough about all of them? What is even the plot to this horrible story?"

There was a long silence as Fanfictionita just stared at him.

"…What's a plot?" she asked eventually.

Jiraiya smacked his forehead in defeat. He walked over to Fanfictionita and ripped the strange contraption out of her hands. Then he smashed it on the ground with all his might.

"You don't deserve the title of author," declared Jiraiya before he made his dramatic exit.

Fanfictionita just watched him go in horror before mourning the loss of her laptop.

Jiraiya walked down the streets in depression. What was the world coming to? How was he supposed to write a great novel after dealing with that? He already has writer's block and now he felt like he never wanted to write again. He continued along not paying attention where he was going.

"Master Jiraiya?" he heard a voice call from the alley he was passing.

"Kakashi," greeted Jiraiya glumly.

"Has something happened? Was it Naruto?" asked Kakashi.

"No, the boy is fine. I'm just having an author crisis. I don't know if I'll ever write again," answered Jiraiya hanging his head in grief.

"NO!" cried Kakashi. "You're the greatest author the world has ever know! You can't quit! Think of your fans, you wouldn't want to disappoint them."

That was true, thought Jiraiya. He did like his fans.

"But something terrible has happened," said Jiraiya. "I don't know if I can get past it.

"A writer should use his experiences to help his writing, should he not?" asked Kakashi wisely.

"You're right, Kakashi. In fact, this might be just the thing I was looking for," replied Jiraiya excitedly. He raced off back to his writing bench.

Kakashi sighed in relief. His favorite series was safe.

Three months later Jiraiya released a new book. It was a story about two people who were forced to be together because all of their friends were together. They were really in love with other people, so they saw them in secret. Eventually their friends realized they couldn't force their leftover friends to date and the hero and heroine got to be with their true loves. And there was a lot of sex.

* * *

**AN: **I really _really _can't stand overshippers. Whenever I see stories with tons of couples in the summary I just sigh. I'm not saying it can't be done. There are stories out there where they make it seem realistic. But most of the time, it's sloppy and ugly. If you ship a couple and want to write about them, write about them. Not them and every single other couple you support at the same time. And if you are writing about more than one, make sure it flows. Make sure you're not just pairing the spares so everyone gets a happy ending. Well, that's my rant for the day.

I don't have a problem with the "Konoha 8 Pairings" either. And the name Fanfictionita Idiotson is probably my favorite fake name ever.

Also I'm doing NaNoWriMo! So I won't be updating for a long, long time. I hope you all have a good November! Enjoy the beginning of the long, cold winter.

Reviews are like lifejackets in the ocean. You can swim without them just fine, but they make swimming easier and more enjoyable.


	5. I am NOT a Cowboy

**AN: **Long time no see Narutoites! It's been too long. In November I tried doing NaNoWriMo for the first time so fanfiction was put off indefinitely. But now I'm back! And better than ever. Well, not really, I'm pretty much the same. Hope you all had a lovely November and start of December.

Most of the oneshots before this one had some kind of hidden meaning or statement about Naruto, this one does not. Warning: pure crack ahead.

I AM _NOT _A COWBOY

Starring: Sasuke Uchiha, Suigetsu Hozuki, Karin, Jugo

Setting: Within the Five Great Nations, Exact Location Unknown

Plot: Sasuke isn't in a good mood. Team Taka isn't helping.

Enjoy.

* * *

Sasuke was brooding. Well, technically he was always brooding. But right now he was even more melancholy than usual. He glared at the scenery around him as he sat on a rock, his team taking a break for the moment.

He knew he was a powerful shinobi. His profile in the bingo book said to flee on sight. He had killed Orochimaru singlehandedly. He was capable of destroying anyone that got in the way of his goals. Nobody could match his strength. He knew this.

Sasuke just couldn't understand why the hell they would give him such a ridiculous theme song if he were so great.

It sounded like cowboy music. It sounded like the music that plays when the man on horseback rides into the deserted town to face his enemy is a standoff. It sounded like he was going to ride off into the West towards the setting sun.

To put it simply, Sasuke was pissed. Really pissed. He was going to have a word or two with the composer of this catastrophe. If he weren't a missing ninja right now he would be getting so much shit from the guys back in Konoha. He could imagine Naruto's jibes easily.

"Sasuke." Sasuke heard a voice from his left say. He turned to see Suigetsu. Wearing a cowboy hat.

"I've been thinking lately that this town isn't big enough for the both of us," declared Suigetsu in a southern drawl. "So right here, right now, you and me. Let's finish this thing."

Suigetsu jumped so there was a great distance between them. A tumbleweed rolled past them. Suigetsu drew two squirt guns from holsters on his belt he definitely wasn't wearing earlier.

Sasuke just gave him an icy look. "Knock if off, Suigetsu. I don't have time for this."

"Afraid of a challenge, are we?" mocked Suigetsu twirling his guns. He spit off into the distance.

Sasuke knew what he was trying to do. But he wouldn't give in. Oh no, he was not going to give Suigetsu the satisfaction. Suigetsu has heard his stupid theme song and thought he could annoy him with it. He was not going to succeed.

"Oh Saaaaaaasuke," called out Karin from behind them. She approached them and Sasuke did a double take. She was wearing bright red cowboy boots.

"I think we should rustle up some grub. We've been walking since dawn. I seen some critters up over the hill that could lead to something," Karin said sounding exactly like Suigetsu.

"Good idea, Karin. I could take a load off," agreed Suigetsu. He put his guns back in their holsters and smirked at her.

Sasuke resisted the urge to hit himself. Suigetsu bothering him was bad. Karin bothering him was bad. But nothing was worse than when Suigetsu and Karin teamed up together to bother him. They didn't usually get along; they hated each other actually. When they worked together though, they were unstoppable.

"Dontcha agree, Sasuke?" asked Karin with a lopsided grin.

"Stop messing around you two," responded Sasuke coldly. "Once Jugo get's back from covering our tracks we're leaving."

"Oh settle down, Sasuke. You're the best cowboy in all of the five great nations! You've got nothing to fear!" exclaimed Suigetsu slapping him on the shoulder.

"I am _not _a cowboy," snapped Sasuke flinging Suigetsu's hand off his shoulder forcefully.

"Could have fooled me," replied Suigetsu acting innocent. "That theme of yours has a distinct Western vibe to it. Right, Karin?"

"Shut up, Suigetsu. You're totally wrong," said Karin and Sasuke almost sighed in relief. He could always count on Karin to stick up for him even though she was annoying. "He's not just the best cowboy in the five great nations; he's the best cowboy in the whole world!"

So much for loyalty. He wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of showing emotion though. He kept his usual blank expression and walked past them.

"I'm going to find Jugo," he told them trying to keep his voice calm.

"He's an angry cowboy, isn't he?" stage whispered Karin to Suigetsu behind him. He could hear their laughter and had to restrain himself from killing the both of them with one Chidori.

Sasuke heard a sound coming from the trees and turned around to see Jugo join them. Luckily, he wasn't wearing any cowboy clothing. Jugo was too smart to get caught up in Suigetsu and Karin's schemes.

"Jugo, we're heading out," Sasuke told him thankful to have one sane member on his team. Well…kind of sane.

"Alright," answered Jugo simply and Sasuke turned around to lead the way. "Partner."

Sasuke froze. He whipped around to face them his eyes blazing in anger. "I am NOT a cowboy!"

Suigetsu and Karin were falling over each other laughing while Jugo couldn't keep a small smile off his face. Sasuke merely scowled at them before turning around.

He stalked off ahead and tried to ignore the giggles following him.

He and this composer were definitely going to have a little chat.

* * *

**AN: **I love Team Taka. Suigetsu and Karin are seriously so funny. A lot of people hate them and I understand they're not Team Seven, but you have to admit they're hilarious. Well, at least I think they are.

But really, Sasuke's Shippuden theme music is totally cowboy music. If you haven't heard if I suggest you look it up. It's called Wandering and on the second Shippuden soundtrack. You can't deny it makes you think of tumbleweeds and horseback riding.

This came from me wanting to write about Team Taka. And the only thing I could think of was how Sasuke would feel about his theme song. Thus this oneshot was born.

Drop a review if you feel like making an author happy today.


	6. Konoha High

**AN: **Sup Narutoites? Having a nice new year?

So last chapter only got one review and I got the message loud and clear, it sucked a big one. Writing about the music was a little out there, I admit. Not everyone geeks out over it like I do. I will take that nonresponse as inspiration to try and better myself.

So I'm back to writing with more of a message again. Yippee Ky Ay!

I still do not in any way shape of from own Naruto. That would be a lot of pressure.

This story is brought to you by Fanfictionita Idiotson.

KONOHA HIGH

Starring: Temari, Kankurō, Gaara, and the rest of the Konoha 12

Setting: Konoha High

Plot: The Sand Siblings first day at Konoha High

Enjoy.

* * *

Temari woke up early that morning to Kankurō pounding on her door. And because all high school fics begin with the main student waking up. She stormed over to it and furiously yanked it open sending her brother toppling to the ground.

"Kankurō, what the hell?" she demanded. "I'm sleeping!"

"Morning, Sis. You're looking as hideous as always today," Kankurō answered as he got up.

"Seriously, what do you want?" Temari asked again impatiently.

"Today's our first day attending Konoha High!" said Kankurō excitedly. "We've got to get going if we're going to make it to school on time."

"What? Why are we going to Konoha High? We live in Suna," said Temari in confusion.

"There are a couple options. Either we're trying to escape our bastard of a father, a foreign exchange student program, we're outcasts in Suna, or Gaara and I are trying to get out of the dark gang we've gotten into here to name a couple," replied Kankurō listing them off on his fingers. "But whatever the reason, me, you, and Gaara are going to Konoha High! So get dressed and make us some breakfast, woman."

Temari groaned at her brother's sexism but followed his instructions. The forces that be had declared she was to go to this Konoha High, so she'd rise to the challenge. She was just setting the food she'd made when Gaara emerged from his bedroom and took a place at the table.

"Morning," Temari greeted him cheerfully. Gaara just stared at the table in silence as if contemplating something.

"Am I supposed to be Axe Crazy Gaara or Post-Naruto Gaara?" asked Gaara with a frown.

"What the heck are you talking about?" asked Temari staring at him weirdly.

'It varies," said Kankurō entering the room and taking a plate for himself. "We'll go with Post-Naruto Gaara for this one. We've got a lot to cover and don't have time for your transformation into a person with feelings today."

Temari decided to just regard the conversation as "boy talk". That way she wouldn't have to worry about not understanding. Or get them a therapist.

"Well, we'd better get going if we don't want to be late," she announced as she grabbed her purple backpack from the counter. "I'll drive."

The drive to Konoha High wasn't short but the view was nice. The school was in a very outdoorsy neighborhood with many trees and flora about. Temari couldn't help but admire the scenery despite her reservations about switching schools.

She parked their blue Ford Focus in the parking lot with the rest of the students. Her and her brothers emptied out of the car and started walking towards the school.

"We've got a nice car. So we're the rich kid version of the Sand Siblings?" asked Gaara looking back at their parked car.

"Yup. But don't worry, it doesn't make us any less susceptible to tragedy," replied Kankurō leading the way towards the entrance.

"I'll never understand men," muttered Temari as she followed the two boys down inside.

The trio of siblings walked down the hall receiving many stares along the way. It was to be expected with them being new, but Temari couldn't help but think they could try to be a little bit subtler. The gawking was getting out of hand.

Kankurō stopped when they reached the principal's office and the secretary Shizune called them in and told them to head into the room and the principal will be right with them.

Temari plopped into one of the plush chairs seated in front of the principal's desk. She could get used to it here if all the rooms were like this. From what she'd seen this school had cash flow. No girl turned her nose up at comfort.

"Hello, you three must be the Sand Siblings," said who she assumed to be Tsunade from behind them. The woman looked a little too busty to be a high school principal in Temari's opinion, but whatever. She wasn't one to judge. The blonde in front of them had a commanding air as she presented them with their schedules.

"Now seeing as Suna High has such a different system than we do and your classes don't line up we've decided to stick you all in the same grade. Plus it helps make it easier to develop the plot," explained Tsunade. "Now head off to your homeroom. Keep your noses clean. Don't start fires. The usual new school bull."

Temari looked at her schedule to see she had homeroom with Kakashi Hatake in room 107. Her brothers were in a different homeroom with Kurenai Yuhi though so she was on her own. She quickly found the room and despite being pretty late the teacher wasn't present.

She debated what to do for a moment before taking a seat between a pink haired girl talking to the blonde behind her and a sleeping dark haired boy. The pink haired girl immediately turned to scrutinize her.

"You must be new!" she exclaimed with excitement. "I'm Sakura Haruno. This is my best friend Ino Yamanaka. Welcome to Konoha High."

"Temari," she responded with a smile. "Nice to meet you."

All of a sudden Kankurō burst into the room and rushed up to her desk. "Temari! Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Uh, what?" asked Temari in confusion.

"Arceus help me," muttered Kankurō before whispering in her ear. "You didn't describe their outfits!"

"Is that important?" Temari didn't think so but Kankurō smacked his forehead in irritation.

"_Is that important?_" He mimicked her in a high, nasally voice. "Fanfictionita is going to kill me for letting you ruin her story."

"You can break the fourth wall, but I'm in trouble for not describing outfits?!" demanded Temari.

"I have to do everything around here," said Kankurō darkly before turning to look at the girls.

Sakura was wearing jeans with a white long sleeve over a red tank top. Her light makeup accented her emerald eyes and she wore a tiny silver clip to hold her bangs out of her face. Her hair was face length and the most surprising shade of pink, but it seemed to suit her.

Ino had a more feminine look with a black skirt and cream top. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail and her makeup was expertly done. She had on tiny heels that made her legs stand out even more. She seemed to care about fashion a great deal.

Kankurō then turned to Temari with a sigh.

Temari's first day outfit consisted of leggings with a long sparkly purple shirt and brown boots. Her dark blonde hair was pulled into a interesting hairstyle of four ponytails and she wore little to no makeup. Her look was unconventional, but stunning in its own unique way.

Kankurō then looked down at his own outfit of jeans and a black hooded sweatshirt. The sweatshirt has purple lining in the hood. His sandy brown hair was messy in the way that girls always seemed to like.

"And that's how it's done!" he yelled when he was finished. "Now you do Shikamaru. I'll do girls, I'll do my own sister, and I'll do myself. But I refuse to describe another dude!"

Kankurō fled out of the classroom after his little speech leaving Temari in a daze. She looked over at the boy next to her assuming him to be Shikamaru. Though how Kankurō knew his name escaped her.

His hair was pulled into a ponytail and she could tell her was pretty tall. He wore simple clothes, jeans with a dark green t-shirt. Before she could make any more observations the boy opened his eyes to see her staring at him.

"Who're you?" he asked sleepily.

"She's Temari! She's from…"trailed off Sakura. "Where are you from?'

"Suna," answered Temari noting the sleeping boy had brown eyes that were dull but warm. "Today's my first day."

"Me and Sakura will totally show you around," said Ino. "But since this is a high school fic and you're the main character, you'll probably hate me."

"What? Why?" asked Temari startled.

"Everybody hates Ino," answered Sakura as though the answer were obvious.

"I'm a slut," said Ino simply. "Often a party girl too. Sakura here is a braniac and a cheerleader. We're in a group with Hinata and Tenten too. You'll meet them later."

"Uh…okay," replied Temari hesitantly.

"I'm Shikamaru," said the dark haired boy. "I like to sleep. And I'm a genius."

"I'm Temari," she said in response. "I like fans, like the object you use when it's hot. I'm pretty smart."

"Did you see that?" asked Sakura to Ino. "Their interaction signals true love! And with the same homeroom it's inevitable! How romantic!"

"That's one less guy for me to whore around with," said Ino with a depressed sigh.

"Do I have a say in this?" asked Temari with a scowl.

"Nope," answered Sakura.

"Definitely not," agreed Ino.

Before Temari could answer Kakashi came in and took attendance right before the bell rang signaling homeroom was over. She had English class next with Jiraiya so she followed the door numbers to find the classroom.

Sakura had English the same hour as her too and was sitting next to a stoic looking boy and a smiling blonde one. The blonde introduced himself as Naruto and the other was Sasuke.

"Wait, did you say your name was Naruto?" asked Temari trying to remember the name from somewhere. "I think I've heard my brother mention you."

"You're Gaara's sister? I just met him last hour! He and I are really tight!" Naruto told her excitedly. Temari wasn't sure how they were so close already but she just went with it.

"I'm going to be principal one day!" declared Naruto. "Believe it! And Sasuke here wants to avenge his family."

"Oh, uh, that's nice?" said Temari as more of a question.

"Thank you!" replied Naruto.

After talking to her Naruto kept trying to talk to Sasuke with little success. He usually only got grunts or one word answers in reply.

Oh right, thought Temari. Outfits.

Naruto had on a bright orange sweatshirt and black sweatpants. He had pretty bright blue eyes and strange lines on his face. Sasuke had on dark blue jeans with a plain white tee. Both boys were pretty good looking, Naruto in the golden boy way and Sasuke in the tall, dark, and handsome way.

You'll have to forgive her, _she's really bad at summaries._

Sakura couldn't seem to keep her eyes off Sasuke. She noticed Temari had caught her staring and winked at her.

"We're in love," she whispered. "He just doesn't know it yet."

The rest of the class was filled with a lecture from the white haired teacher Jiraiya, who was strange but likable, on punctuation. Temari knew she was going to enjoy this class.

The next hour she had biology with Orochimaru and met a couple more of Sakura's friends. Kiba who had wild brown hair and an even wilder personality actually brought his dog to school. Her brother was also in the class and seemed to have made friends with Kiba as well.

Hinata was also in the class. She was a shy bluenette and Temari thought she was a sweetheart. She had on a large light purple shirt and long white skirt. She was shy, but once you got her talking she was very intelligent.

"Do you have a strange goal?" asked Temari to Hinata hoping she was different.

"I want to date Naruto," replied Hinata simply.

Boy obsessions, they seemed to be infecting the place thought Temari shaking her head.

After the creep of a teacher gave a lesson on cells Temari had gym. She changed into black shorts and a gray t-shirt and listened as their teacher Might Guy, a strange man wearing a green spandex suit with a bowl cut and alarmingly bushy eyebrows, divided the class into two teams for volleyball.

Temari was pretty athletic and got into the game. Another girl on her team named Tenten was decent too. She introduced herself to the brunette and thought they'd be fast friends. She liked girls who weren't afraid to be active.

After gym she met up with Tenten who had changed into white capris and a pink top. They left for lunch together.

"Anything I should know about you?" Temari asked Tenten as they walked.

"I wish. They don't even give me a weird obsession," complained Tenten. "Assume I'm in love with Neji though."

Tenten lead her to the cafeteria where they sat at a table with Sakura, Ino, and Hinata.

"So Temari," said Sakura with a smile. "How's your first day going?"

"It's going alright," she answered honestly. "I kind of miss Suna though."

Sakura was cut off from answering by a group of boys sitting down at the table with them. It included Naruto, Sasuke, Shikamaru, Kiba, her brothers, and a couple of others she hadn't seen before.

"Hey everyone," said Tenten. "Meet Temari."

"Already did," announced Naruto. "So did my emo sidekick. The other stick butt here is Neji, bushy brows is Lee, the tubby one is Chouji, and the silent one is Shino."

Temari gave each of them a nod as they were introduced. She went to eat her lunch but received a kick from under the table. Kankurō was looking at her and gesturing at the others. She flicked him off and studied the new arrivals.

Neji was good looking in a slightly girly way. He wore a white collared shirt and khaki pants. He had really long brown hair that he tied in a low ponytail. Next to him was Lee who looked eerily similar to her gym teacher with the same bowl cut and eyebrows. At least he wasn't wearing a spandex suit. He had on black wind pants and a dark gray t-shirt.

The tubby boy was stuffing his face while chatting with Ino and Shikamaru. He had on a large green sweatshirt and casual jeans. He had reddish brown hair that he kept short.

Shino wore sunglasses and a large coat so she really couldn't tell what he looked like.

Oh, and she skipped Gaara earlier but he was wearing a red long sleeve and jeans. And he had flaming red hair.

"Who's our rival group at this school?" asked Kankurō as they ate. "Is it the Akatsuki? Is Team Taka here?'

"The Akatsuki have all graduated thankfully," answered Kiba. "Sasuke's mood has increased drastically since Itachi is gone."

"You'd be able to tell if you saw him before," said Naruto after their looks of disbelief. "And give the asshole a break. He's had a tough time."

"We've all had a tough time," points out Shino speaking for the first time. The group nods in agreement with him.

"What do you mean?" asked Temari trying to follow the weird conversation.

"We all have dark and tragic pasts. It's pretty common," said Sakura with a shrug.

"All of you?" she questioned skeptically.

"My brother is a murderer," said Sasuke casually. "He killed my parents."

"I grew up with no family," added Naruto. "And strangers hate me until I dazzle them. I've also got a demon inside me."

"My family thinks I suck and I'm supposed to take over as the leader but they think my little sister will do a better job," said Hinata quietly. "Everyone shuns me and insults my weakness."

"Everyone made fun of me as a kid because I was fat. They wouldn't let me join in any reindeer games and laughed at me," said Chouji with a reminiscent frown.

"A majority of the fandom hates me and calls me useless, a whore, and a bitch among other things. Also my family shuns me because they don't understand my career," chimes in Sakura.

"Nobody gives a shit about anything I do. I don't even have a backstory," said Tenten bitterly.

"My family placed a seal on my forehead that commands my obedience," acknowledges Neji.

"I have bugs inside me…" said Shino.

"My parents keep pushing me to be a genius and my beloved sensei will die. Also, spoiler alert, my dad," said Shikamaru.

"Spoiler alert, my dad dies too!" cries Ino. "And I'm unjustly always the slut of the story!"

"My dad left us and I have no idea who he is," said Kiba petting his dog solemnly.

"People didn't accept me because I have no natural talent. And a very bad haircut," added Lee as the final one.

Temari absorbed all of this with wide eyes. "And this is normal?"

"Yup," answered Tenten with a shrug. The others agreed with her.

Temari put her head on the table. This new school was too weird.

"Don't worry, I'm sure something bad will happen to you too," said Hinata comfortingly assuming she was upset.

"We've got daddy issues," said Kankurō.

"Awesome!" exclaimed Naruto. "You're in!"

The boys then left to go outside for the rest of the lunch period leaving the five girls alone.

"Meet any cute boys?" Ino asked Temari raising her eyebrows.

"Ino, she's got Shikamaru," said Sakura shaking her head. "It's love at first sight. I've got Sasuke, Hinata's bound to get Naruto someday, and Tenten has Neji."

"Who do I have?" pouted Ino.

"Kiba?" offered Tenten.

"I guess," grumbled Ino.

"He's not that bad once you get to know him," said Hinata.

"Does this story have a plot?" demanded Temari.

"It's a coming of age love story," replied Sakura. "This is the plot.

Temari slammed her head back into the table. She'd rather eat sand for days than stay with this whackjobs.

* * *

**AN: **And that's the greatness that is Konoha High: the typical high school AU. Filled with oversimplified versions of our beloved characters and no plot, most high school stories make me want to bang my head on a table like Temari. Some are brilliant, most suck.

Also I find they always add what everyone is wearing because someone that lets you know what kind of character they are or something. And they always start with the person waking up.

She's really bad at summaries-the pun was intended.

Whoever gets the Arceus help me line gets a bajillion bonus points.

On a side note this was the last planned chapter I had for this collection. So unless inspiration strikes me, this is probably the Grand Finale. Lots of love to all my reviews and favoriters. This was all just for kicks and you made the kicks greater and harder.

Electric Splatter, out!


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